The Grieving Process Begins

It is the close of another week. Tomorrow I am heading home for the day to celebrate Mike’s life with his friends and family at 2pm at Uncle Milt’s in Ridgeway. I am sure there will be lots of memories shared as well as funny stories. I cannot wait to hear them. Please feel free to post these memories and stories here as well.
Since being home this week, I have noticed that mornings are more difficult for me during this grieving process. Mike would call in the mornings after the boys went to school. “Did the boys get off to school? What is THE princess doing? Put her on.” Nattie would get on the phone…”HI UNCLE MIKE!”
Joel’s good friend stopped by last night to drop off his homework. Both Joel and Will have been home sick with the flu this week. In with his homework was a stack of homemade cards from his classmates. “I miss you Joel.” “I hope you feel bedr.” “I am sorry your unkul mike dide.” Bless their little hearts. Joel broke down last night when he was reading his cards from his classmates. How do you console him and answer his questions when you have the same questions? He was talking about how he wished he could go back in time so Uncle Mike did not go on his snowmobile that night. Then he said, “Uncle Mike would still be here, and my mom would not be sad anymore.”

I went to the store yesterday and as I was watching all of these people around me, I thought to myself…”How can you just go on with your life as if nothing has happened?” It feels like I am going through the motions to get through the day. Sometimes as if I am watching myself go through it.

Today both boys went back to school after being off with Mike’s death and then being sick. Sending them off to school today was another reminder to me that you do have to go on with life, as hard as it is, it must go on. Mike would want us to.

I know he is here with us in spirit. I wonder if he sees us grieving for him. I hope not. It would tear him up to see all of us so sad.

I have learned through this process so far that people mean well when trying to comfort you during a time like this. I think some people say things with out really thinking about what they are saying. Because they think it will bring comfort to you. Or they say things to hear themselves talk. I have learned to never say the following:

· “God only gives you what you can handle.” I want to say. “Are you kidding me? Here I am, does it look like I am handling this? Not so much.”
· “It will be ok.” OR “It will get better.” “Ok, my brother is dead. Gone. Never coming back. It will not EVER be ok. What will be ok or what will get better? Him not being here? The physical pain I feel in my stomach. The hole in my gut that I feel everyday?
· “Heidi, you will need to move on with you life, you cannot just stop everything.” I have no words for comments like that.

These remarks were few and far between and were from people that did not know my brother, but knew me. Yes, there are people that did not know Mike. Some people may find great comfort in those words, I did not. I felt as though those who knew him well are in as much pain as I am. I felt more comfort in the hugs with no words or the words:

“I am sorry Heidi, I have no words." or "I do not know what to say.” Honest and genuine.
“I have been thinking and praying for you.” Prayers for strength are huge. I know they have helped.
“I cannot imagine what you are going through.” Honest and genuine.

I was going through a catalog today and in it were a bunch of sentiments that reminded me of Mike or gave me comfort.
“Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.”
“Everyday is a gift.”
“Being happy doesn’t mean everything’s perfect. It means you decide to see beyond the imperfections.”
“Family…… forever, for always, and no matter what.”
Live Well, Love Much, and Laugh Often.”

Someone sent a beautiful plant and in it was a sign that read, “Live, Laugh and Love.” I have seen this sentiment many times. But never given it much thought. It is truly fitting for Mike. He lived life well, he laughed often, and he loved much.

God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain, but he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.